Every day we hear in the news about atrocious actions of assault, abuse and murder. We watch as people behave toward each other in ways that make them both feel dismissed, humiliated, hurt, rejected and inferior. Using weapons, money, power/position to exercise control over others and show them that they are in charge. I have always wondered about the human need to look better than others; the need to feel superior and more successful. Why do we have to walk all over others in order to feel better about ourselves? And do we really and truly feel better?
In the daily life of an average person (simple level), nothing dramatic necessarily happens yet the whole day might be filled with interactions based on insecurity, jealousy, anger, envy and greed. At the end of the day when the sun goes down, lights are dimmed, and one is not on life‘s stage performing for the benefit of others, does that person feel content with the way he handled his life that day?
Reflecting back on the interactions for the day and taking an inventory of the treatment of others, would he be able to answer the following questions with a clear conscience?
Did I speak warmly to my children this morning? Did I show them patience and care? Did I hug them tightly before school drop off?
The same struggles to survive are reflected in the way businesses and companies (macro level) treat their employees, the way governments treat their citizens, and the way countries behave toward each other. Look at what is going on in businesses today. The motto has become: work more and work longer hours to prove your loyalty and commitment and you can keep your job. Fear-driven employees work under intimidation of losing their jobs. Look at countries negotiating oil, weapons deals, and monopolizing the economic world by hoarding resources. Special interest groups around the world are exercising their autocratic power and killing people because they have different ideologies, faith, race, or way of living.
The reason I believe such aggression happens is because there is something lacking in all these entities: it is compassion towards others and towards themselves. When we are not compassionate toward ourselves or moved by our own pain, struggles and triumphs, how can we possibly be compassionate toward others? Is it even possible for us to connect with someone else's suffering if we cannot connect with our own? If we are critical and harsh with ourselves, will we judge and condemn others in the same way?
Our society is heading toward wanting more and more and feeling helpless and powerless to get it all. The critical inner voice is getting louder and even abusive, shaming the self for the inability to “have it all.” That same voice then criticizes others for “having it all” and then feelings of inadequacy and jealousy are heightened. It is no wonder people react to this inner critic by competing and trying to disarm the person who “has it all.” Without self-compassion we cannot enjoy someone else’s success or support them as they thrive.
If we want to stop hurting others and change this dynamic within ourselves, the first step is to build self-compassion. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion means treating yourself the same way as you would treat someone you care about. She talks about three components of self compassion:
1. Self-Kindness
Self-kindness is acknowledging that, “I am going through some rough times and this is hard. I need to support myself and not shame myself. I will work through this and it will be okay.” Self-kindness is not minimizing your problems by saying to yourself, “stop being so weak or melodramatic; this is no big deal” and it is not maximizing your problems by saying, “this always happens to me, I am always the victim. Nobody can be trusted. I am stuck.”
2. Common Humanity
All humans suffer and we all have a shared experience of struggles and pain.
3. Mindfulness
Giving our issues or problems their due respect and attention (not minimizing or maximizing them) so we can move on and let go of the past that is holding us hostage and depriving ourselves of opportunities to connect with others and achieve our goals.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion teaches us valuable lessons. Please visit her website www.selfcompassion.org to learn more.
My mentor, Dr. Dorothy Baldwin Satten, used to say, “Real is better than perfect.” I believe that too. Being real and authentic means not hiding behind inadequacies and insecurities. Being real connects us to others despite their imperfections, making us all acceptable as flawed human beings. This gives us space to grow, improve and recover from our mistakes. It helps to rid of the isolation one can feel being victimized or experiencing tragic happenings.
Often times we hear people say, “If I don’t feel sorry for myself, who will?” It is ok to allow ourselves some time to feel sorry but the most important part is to take healthy action and not remain stuck. This is not self-pity. Pity involves separating from others with the belief that “my pain is unique.” By elevating ourselves to a level unreachable by others, we then believe we are entitled to hurt others because we are hurting. If I feel wronged or my principles are not accepted; whether it is about religion, abortion, gay rights, race, income or gender equality; I have a right to protest by hurting you. This egocentric arrogance has created an entitlement, which we now see repeatedly in our society. It starts within a family where family members hurt each other using money or love to gain power and hold each other hostage.
If each family, community, nation or special interest group focused on taking care of their own needs in a respectful, dignified manner, accepted their limitations that not everyone thinks in the same way, and accepted that others had a right to their own choices as they themselves had, then that compassion would result in the belief, “We are different, because we have different philosophies, ideologies but we are equals.” We can co-exist, “agreeing to disagree.” People would have a respectful tolerance to others’ religions, views on pro-choice or pro-life and gender identity. Then nations would not deny civil rights to their own people and special interest groups would not show their power through terrorizing acts. Each individual involved would have self-compassion and would not have the desperation to act out insecurities.
So if each of us desires to bring change to the world, we have to do what Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Self- compassion starts with mindfully watching what we say to ourselves and the way we treat ourselves. Actions of kindness towards ourselves will defeat the ego and egoistic beliefs. That in turn will change our attitude toward others. Compassion for ourselves will evoke compassion for others. It will create a ripple effect and imagine what can happen as we each reach out warmly to each other. Can we finally experience world peace? I am an optimist, I suppose. I will do my part and practice self-compassion and contribute a drop in the ocean of human kindness. Will you?
In the daily life of an average person (simple level), nothing dramatic necessarily happens yet the whole day might be filled with interactions based on insecurity, jealousy, anger, envy and greed. At the end of the day when the sun goes down, lights are dimmed, and one is not on life‘s stage performing for the benefit of others, does that person feel content with the way he handled his life that day?
Reflecting back on the interactions for the day and taking an inventory of the treatment of others, would he be able to answer the following questions with a clear conscience?
Did I speak warmly to my children this morning? Did I show them patience and care? Did I hug them tightly before school drop off?
- How was I on the road driving today? Did I allow someone to change lanes ahead of me?
- How did I treat my coworkers today? Was I rude and short? Did I try to impress them or kiss up to them or look down on them with judgment?
- Did I intimidate my subordinates to show them who their boss is? Or did I appreciate and validate their efforts and hard work?
- Did I make professional decisions based on preserving my ego or did I do what was right and appropriate?
- How did I treat the security guard at the front gate and the intern delivering mail? Was I cold and irritable or did I smile and show them respect as a fellow human being?
The same struggles to survive are reflected in the way businesses and companies (macro level) treat their employees, the way governments treat their citizens, and the way countries behave toward each other. Look at what is going on in businesses today. The motto has become: work more and work longer hours to prove your loyalty and commitment and you can keep your job. Fear-driven employees work under intimidation of losing their jobs. Look at countries negotiating oil, weapons deals, and monopolizing the economic world by hoarding resources. Special interest groups around the world are exercising their autocratic power and killing people because they have different ideologies, faith, race, or way of living.
The reason I believe such aggression happens is because there is something lacking in all these entities: it is compassion towards others and towards themselves. When we are not compassionate toward ourselves or moved by our own pain, struggles and triumphs, how can we possibly be compassionate toward others? Is it even possible for us to connect with someone else's suffering if we cannot connect with our own? If we are critical and harsh with ourselves, will we judge and condemn others in the same way?
Our society is heading toward wanting more and more and feeling helpless and powerless to get it all. The critical inner voice is getting louder and even abusive, shaming the self for the inability to “have it all.” That same voice then criticizes others for “having it all” and then feelings of inadequacy and jealousy are heightened. It is no wonder people react to this inner critic by competing and trying to disarm the person who “has it all.” Without self-compassion we cannot enjoy someone else’s success or support them as they thrive.
If we want to stop hurting others and change this dynamic within ourselves, the first step is to build self-compassion. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion means treating yourself the same way as you would treat someone you care about. She talks about three components of self compassion:
1. Self-Kindness
Self-kindness is acknowledging that, “I am going through some rough times and this is hard. I need to support myself and not shame myself. I will work through this and it will be okay.” Self-kindness is not minimizing your problems by saying to yourself, “stop being so weak or melodramatic; this is no big deal” and it is not maximizing your problems by saying, “this always happens to me, I am always the victim. Nobody can be trusted. I am stuck.”
2. Common Humanity
All humans suffer and we all have a shared experience of struggles and pain.
3. Mindfulness
Giving our issues or problems their due respect and attention (not minimizing or maximizing them) so we can move on and let go of the past that is holding us hostage and depriving ourselves of opportunities to connect with others and achieve our goals.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion teaches us valuable lessons. Please visit her website www.selfcompassion.org to learn more.
My mentor, Dr. Dorothy Baldwin Satten, used to say, “Real is better than perfect.” I believe that too. Being real and authentic means not hiding behind inadequacies and insecurities. Being real connects us to others despite their imperfections, making us all acceptable as flawed human beings. This gives us space to grow, improve and recover from our mistakes. It helps to rid of the isolation one can feel being victimized or experiencing tragic happenings.
Often times we hear people say, “If I don’t feel sorry for myself, who will?” It is ok to allow ourselves some time to feel sorry but the most important part is to take healthy action and not remain stuck. This is not self-pity. Pity involves separating from others with the belief that “my pain is unique.” By elevating ourselves to a level unreachable by others, we then believe we are entitled to hurt others because we are hurting. If I feel wronged or my principles are not accepted; whether it is about religion, abortion, gay rights, race, income or gender equality; I have a right to protest by hurting you. This egocentric arrogance has created an entitlement, which we now see repeatedly in our society. It starts within a family where family members hurt each other using money or love to gain power and hold each other hostage.
If each family, community, nation or special interest group focused on taking care of their own needs in a respectful, dignified manner, accepted their limitations that not everyone thinks in the same way, and accepted that others had a right to their own choices as they themselves had, then that compassion would result in the belief, “We are different, because we have different philosophies, ideologies but we are equals.” We can co-exist, “agreeing to disagree.” People would have a respectful tolerance to others’ religions, views on pro-choice or pro-life and gender identity. Then nations would not deny civil rights to their own people and special interest groups would not show their power through terrorizing acts. Each individual involved would have self-compassion and would not have the desperation to act out insecurities.
So if each of us desires to bring change to the world, we have to do what Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Self- compassion starts with mindfully watching what we say to ourselves and the way we treat ourselves. Actions of kindness towards ourselves will defeat the ego and egoistic beliefs. That in turn will change our attitude toward others. Compassion for ourselves will evoke compassion for others. It will create a ripple effect and imagine what can happen as we each reach out warmly to each other. Can we finally experience world peace? I am an optimist, I suppose. I will do my part and practice self-compassion and contribute a drop in the ocean of human kindness. Will you?